Monday, October 27, 2003 -- 7:53 P.M.

One week ago...

I stepped out from the food court into the Monday afternoon sun, eyes stinging from the rapid change in contrast. I fumbled on my shades for relief and started to trudge my away across campus, towards a 2 o'clock lecture that had food-coma effects written all over it.

Then I saw her.

She wore a simple plaid flannel shirt and shorts, with her hair nonchalantly clasped up to allow ventilation around her neck. She was walking fast, with a concentrated look on her face. We came about two inches away from grazing shoulders. The entire event unraveled in maybe two seconds, tops. I almost missed seeing her, initially. When I realized who it was, I nearly tripped on my own feet.

It had been about ten months since the last sighting. Blame it on the 30k population of a public university. I have thought on and off about what I would do if I ever saw her again. Maybe ask her out for some coffee. Maybe catch up on what has happened for the, oh, past three years since we last talked. Maybe be smooth the entire time, with a confident smile and posture throughout.

Now I know exactly what I'd do. I'd pretend I didn't see her and do my best to gaze longingly from afar. Why? Because I'm pathetic like that. I realize she does not in any shape or form remember me. If I had cojones I would take the initiative to remind her, but I don't. I realize all the imagined confidence I would be filled with when I saw her would instantly vanish in real life and be replaced with clammy hands and a light head. I can't explain it, but I know for a fact that's what will happen. Because that's exactly what happened. I am no alpha male, that's for sure.

...

But it did reveal several pieces of intel to me. First, she's still around school, whether it's because of left-over classes or graduate studies. Secondly, she obviously has class near where I saw her. Those two facts mean I will be hanging around that area on Monday (and perhaps Wednesday) afternoons, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. It's like a drug. Just a sight of her shoots beta-endorphin throughout my head.

Does this make me a stalker? Depends on your definition. I'm not following her around. I am merely situating myself in an area which has a high probability of her passing by. Furthermore, I'm not going out of my way to get in position. The food court there is a convenient lunch break area for me before class. Maybe I'm trying to justify it. Maybe writing all this down makes me more of a stalker than anything I do. But objectively, I know it's harmless. Everyone has guilty-pleasure crushes. I harbor no illusions--hope, perhaps, but no illusions--that anything will ferment between us.

...

Today is a Monday. I took position with my lunch outside half an hour before two, idly flipping through the papers while I ate. At ten-'til, hundreds of anonymous faces had already passed by, causing me to doubt whether or not I had missed her. Maybe she doesn't have class around there afterall. What's going on? I tossed the remainder of my lunch and packed up, somewhat dejected.

After hoisting the backpack onto my shoulders, I saw her. I allowed a half-second window to gape before turning around hastily. It's like she ambushed me! That was not part of the plan. I was supposed to be still sitting, two eyes peering over the pretense of reading the newsrag, and spotting her approach several yards away. I had lost several seconds of gape time because of my impatience!

Of course I was still infinitely grateful for being able to see her anyway. I didn't see much with a half-second window, just that she seemed more relaxed than the last time I saw her. She's one of the few people in the world who's idle expression looks like contentment. Most people's idle expression is either boredom, with half-shut eyelids, or aggression, marked by furrowed brows and set jaws. The latter is most commonly witnessed in thug wannabes.

Her hair was down today, glossy under the sun and gently curled at the tips around her shoulder. A simple, nondescript golden necklace adorned her solid blue t-shirt. I walked several feet before stopping at a nearby table, pretending to check the contents of my bag. From the corner of my eye I looked for her. I scanned through a pass with no success. Where the heck... A second pass found her looking through a bargain stand of paraphernalia. Bronze, well-tanned legs carried her slowly around the articles of clothing splayed on the long table. Definitely more relaxed than last time.

A few more seconds of that, I started feeling self-conscious and re-closed my bag. I turned away and started towards my lecture, happy. I wonder if my idle expression then refleced the same.


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