Wednesday, November 23, 2005 -- 5:40 P.M.

The longing is the worst part--waking up the next morning, the memories still buzzing in your head like a movie on infinite loop. You go through the day, dazed, staring off into space whenever your attention isn't required. You try to make sense of everything, interpolate facts, draw haphazard conclusions, but the tide of emotions is too strong.

She was my first crush. I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed high school sophomore, and she was a confident senior, a member of the popular clique, but without their pretense. She was also the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I admired from afar for eight months, though we spoke not three sentences to each other. By June, she had moved on, her short-term memory having shed whatever wisp of an impression I was, if that.

She, on the other hand, was all I ever thought about; the measuring stick against every girl I saw. I never thought I'd get over her. I wasn't supposed to see her again. Our lives are too different, and the company we each keep do not intersect. It was impossible.

Or so I thought. She re-surfaced into my consciousness last summer when I saw pictures of her at a party. Old feelings stirred, but what of them? I had long moved on.

Or so I thought. One impossible hurdle after another later, I found myself in a group of friends in Boston, having dinner with her.


I knew it was her in a second. Nine years patiently dulled my memory of her face, but the impression never faded. We were at a table, perhaps twenty yards from the door, when she walked in wearing a white down-jacket, looking around while mentioning to the maitre'd that no thanks, she didn't need any help, her party was already here. The easy, casual way she tilted her head when she spoke was all I needed to flood that impression with the same color and vitality of 1997.

I had never known her, so her personality as I know it is completely fictional, pieced together by stories drifted through the grape vine, distanced observance in the old days, and a great deal of idealism. To me, she was Athena, Helen of Troy, and Marilyn Monroe rolled into one.

She sat down, greeted her friends, and shifted about uncertainly. There were, afterall, four strangers sitting across from her. I steeled my nerves and spoke first. I was afraid marbles were going to come out of my mouth.

"So... I don't think we've all properly met."

She locked her eyes on me. It just a split-second, but the amazing human mind can freeze-frame it forever. Her eyes were two dark, shimmering pools, framed by high cheek-bones, a button nose, and a smile that threatened to (but never quite) dimple her cheeks. Her black hair with streaks of old highlight was mussed and held haphazardly together by simple clips and bands.

Introductions were made around the table. Her words were music. So it's true. It's official. And I'm awake. All indisputable facts, but nevermind that. Reality can't be this good!

Time began to melt at this point. Einstein was once asked for a layman's definition of Relativity. He said, "When you're sitting on a hot stove, two minutes seems like two hours, but when you're talking to a pretty girl, two hours seems like two minutes. That's Relativity."



Dinner lasted for two plus hours. The group loosened up quickly, and conversations jumped from food to home to frequent flier miles to European vacations. She wasn't quite Marilyn Athena of Troy, but easily the next best thing. Two minutes? It felt more like two seconds. The check came and left, and pretty soon the restaurant began to resemble a ghost town. Little signs like wandering eyes and vain attempts to hide yawns became more apparent. So I did the hardest thing possible:

"I guess we're all pretty tired. Ready to go?"

Nods all around. Damn my considerations. To this day, I wonder if I should have just put on a thick skin and rode the wave until it crashed.

We walked through a quiet, Sunday night downtown Boston towards the subways, forming a loose caravan. She took the front for much of it, walking with the figure and sway of a woman in her prime, her long, mussed hair gently reacting to the night breeze. If there is something more hypnotizing, I cannot think of it. As a matter of fact, there was not much that I could think of at that time. My brain was on cloud nine, as drugged as if I had popped 'shrooms.

In the subway station, our party shrank down to three. The others either took a different station, a different train, or crashed back at the hotel. We waited and waited, but the 'E' train remained absent. The attendant apologized on the PA for the delay. I, on the other hand, wanted to go in and shake her hand profusely. And so we stood around, chatting casually, though about what I can only hazily remember.

One part of my brain began to wake up. It's nearly over. Taking account of the night objectively, it really was. Our conversations remained firmly at the group-level, with mostly me initiating the questions. Her replies were polite and well-worded, but never intimate. Her body language kept the nice-to-meet-you but here-today-gone-tomorrow cocktail party aura. That independence was maddeningly attractive, driven I'm sure by the natural male tendancy of coveting what they can't have.

The 'E' train finally rumbled into the station. Its delay had created quite a back-up of waiting passengers, so when we piled into the back car, strangers filled the gap between us. We spoke no more beyond a silent good-bye wave when my stop came up. She tilted her head in that way of hers, flashed a compact smile, and turned away as I desperately snapped a million mental photos while deboarding with the human tide. She was moving on, her short-term memory starting to shed whatever wisp of an impression I had made that night.

Three or four glasses of scotch chased by two or three more glasses of Red Bull + Vodka made short work of my night thereafter. I watched Sunday Night Football at a bar with detached interest, reacting to my team's typical ineptitude out of habit. A gamut of emotions torrented when I went to bed that night, ranging from one extreme to another. How do people deal with this??

The day after was no better. Upon waking, I desperately clung to every memory, as if I concentrated enough, I could dive into them, relive them, and control them to affect the future. I saw her face and heard her laughter everytime I closed my eyes. I left Boston feeling like life was simultaneously Heaven and Purgatory.


Now, she's slowly sinking back into the corner of my brain where I realize she will always have a home. Time is the ultimate healer of the heart. I had a brief fling with glory, but now it's over, life goes on, and at least I get to keep enough colorful memories to write down and help kill a three hour flight to Chicago. Will we meet again? Improbable. But if I take only one lesson from this surreal experience, it's that impossible is nothing.

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