CRUSING THE INSIDE PASSAGE:
SUMMER VACATION 2001
By: Rice & Gerry
Date: 7/21/01
For Rice's accounts: Click!
Three weeks
have gone by since I've returned from the Alaskan vacation, so bear with me
if there doesn't seem to be any congruence between mine and Rice's accounts.
We saw the trip through two different pairs of eyes--he was cold most of the
time, while I wore shorts and t-shirts as much as I could, until I ran out of
clean clothes. You know, that sort of thing. =)
All kidding aside, I enjoyed my vacation whole lot. I hadn't
been away from home this long for many years, and part of me was resistant to
leave the routine I'd gotten used to. But my parents were really looking forward
to this trip, and played the guilt trip angle real well. They said that me going
on this trip would be my dad's Fathers' Day gift. However, even though I got
him some cool Lakers championsip gear, I still couldn't weasel my way out of
it.
Now that I look back on it, I sure am a spoiled little bitch,
'cause this was such a fun vacation. Cruises are awesome. Everyone should go
on at least one in their lifetime. For me, going on this Celebrity cruise was
my one chance to see how life would be like if I was a Rockefeller, Dupont,
Kennedy, Mrs. Kobe Bryant, etc. This was luxury at its finest. Round the clock
service, waiters that kissed your ass, maids that do your housework, and nothing
to do all day except chill and see the sights. I felt like the king of a small
principality.
Initially, the ship felt like a prison to me. There's no
escape, and for meals you sure as hell better report at the time you're assigned.
There really wasn't anything to do on the ship, but after awhile, I got accustomed
to my environment. I was able to check out some movies I wanted to see, like
CTHD and SHANGHAI NOON, plus there was a small gym where I could work out and
do Tae Bo (yeah right).
But what was really impressive was how they somehow fit a
basketball court on the ship. Rice and I had a fun time beating the shit out
of little kids and high school white boys. I think they were caught off guard
by a couple of Asian guys who actually knew how to ball. Rice ran circles around
me once we were put on opposite teams though.
At night there was a nice little casino. Rice doesn't have
pictures of it, but it looked like a tiny, compact version of Caesar's Palace.
I made a few bucks off of blackjack and Carribean Stud. It was a blast. Rice
was like my caddy, doing quick, precise mathematical deductions during my hands.
(Funny thing was, whenever I was watching him, he would hit an unlucky streak.
Whenever I left, he would quickly earn back his losses, and then some. --Ed.)
Basically, that's all I did for leisure while I was on the
boat. Played ball, worked out, watched movies and lame Broadway-type shows,
and gambled. But the #1 activity that occupied the most of my time was eating.
Yes, food was available during all waking hours. It was grotesque. You could
grab some pizza at 1 AM. Hell, dinner didn't even conclude till around 10. Such
is the life of the snooty, I suppose. But I loved it.
Dinners were a sight to behold. We'd be given a menu, and
basically we can pick whatever we want. No prices listed on it, so we aren't
inhibited by our inherent cheapness. Water would magically be refilled by itself,
and after dinner, we were able to pick from our choice of waitresses to bed
in our quarters......... just kidding. Just making sure you were still paying
attention.
You might have noticed how I'm going on and on about the
cruise. I haven't mentioned Alaska at all, and that's because the northernmost
state of the Union is an absolute bore. Besides offering some fantastic vistas,
there's really nothing to Alaska. The whole state is ice and wilderness. It
was beautiful at first, but after the umpteenth tree, things get tiresome.
Juneau is the most smalltime capital in the US, where salmon
hatcheries are big time tourist attractions. Yes, salmon hatcheries. Skagway,
or Skankway as I affectionately call it, is likewise a boontown. There, we rode
on a rickety train ride that lasted for hours and hours. I would've given anything
if there were some 10 mile long tunnels and we were traveling 10x faster. That
would've been bad ass.
And another thing. If you go on a cruise to Alaska, be prepared
to see people become excited about a piece of ice breaking off a bigger piece
of ice. It was PR-system-worthy. And watch people flock to the windows whenever
a small fleck is seen in the distance that could possibly be an animal. And
also be prepared to see the exact same souvenirs being hawked throughout the
entire state of Alaska. In Ketchikan, the "best shopping town in Alaska" supposedly,
all I made off w/ was a six pack of soda.
Don't believe the hype folks. Your best bet is to stay on
the ship. The cruise ships these days are wonders in themselves. They're floating
Ritz-Carltons, and truly worthwhile of the gigantic sums of cash you waste on
them. Just don't let them swindle you w/ their outrageous internet prices. I
shall close w/ the Ballad of the Rice Bandit, the savior of the victims of Celebrity
Online's gouging.
I once knew a man named Rice
Who thought paying for the internet was not nice
So he found a way
That we wouldn't have to pay
And then we each went on more than twice
The Canada leg of the trip felt like the Ice Age-ending of
A.I. It sucked and was totally superfluous. Don't get me wrong, Rice's relatives
are some of the nicest people I've ever met. Their hospitality made everything
bearable. But the 3 days I spent in Canada felt like death.
It was probably because it had a real tough act to follow.
I went from being pampered to sleeping on carpet. Sleeping on the carpet was
totally voluntary, btw. But it was a huge change of scenery. It's a good thing
Rice's relatives were so accomodating. They drove us everywhere and gave us
junk food. Not only that, they had a no-hack-necessary internet connection.
Such nice people....
But all I know is, I'm never going back to Vancouver. It's
like a cleaner San Francisco, but w/ more FOBs in its suburbs. Speaking of FOBs,
check this out: http://www.geocities.com/fobionaire/
If we'd had gone to Canada first, this woulda been the trip
of a lifetime. But regardless it will forever be etched in my memory. Long live
the Rice Bandit.