Gerry Strikes Back

Blurb Movie Reviews
[05-04-02] [02:59 P.M. PST]

Yesterday I watched SPIDER-MAN, and I will have the review up soon. But before SPIDER-MAN, I watched two really horrible, inconsequential movies that are unworthy of full reviews. So I'll just briefly tell you what I thought of them.

THE SWEETEST THING was not w/o its moments of laughs. It's nice to see that chick flicks can be just as raunchy as male-centered flicks. This is like the female version of TOMCATS, about bachelor(ette)hood and marriage. The plot absolutely made no sense, and Cameron Diaz is unconvincing in a lead role. I never once felt the slightest sense of sympathy for her character.

Christina Applegate was probably my favorite character, and I foresee many supporting roles for her in the future. As for Selma Blair, well, she merely existed to be embarrassed in this movie. Let's see, she had to take a cum-stained dress to the dry cleaners, humped an idiot wearing a Barney-suit, and got a pierced dick stuck in her mouth during fellatio, drawing the attention of what seemed like the whole block.

Then the movie ends. THE SWEETEST THING was trash.

Grade: C-
Babe-o-meter: B

HIGH CRIMES was another feminine movie that fell victim to a horrible script. I can stare at Ashley Juggs all day long, but sooner or later I'm going to need a plot that makes sense and lives up to its billing as a thriller.

This is a movie you'll think you've seen before. HIGH CRIMES is a military courtroom drama about war crimes committed by someone, and a conspiracy to cover it up by pinning everything on a patsy. A FEW GOOD MEN or even RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, HIGH CRIMES is not. I never once felt Ashley Juggs was in any danger. You just know that at the end of the movie, girl power will reign supreme.

I also thought some of the other characters were absolutely vapid. Jim Caviezel is nothing but an animated corpse, and the whole movie is based on him being able to convince us of his innocence while still maintaining a shroud of mystery. Instead, we come to hate him right off the bat and want him to be convicted. Likewise, Amanda Peet, a nice looking broad, is totally wasted as the moronic floozy sister of Ashley Juggs.

I swear, the CGI cutscenes of Jedi Knight II tell a better story than this piece of crap. HIGH CRIMES belongs in a trash bin.

Grade: D
Babe-o-meter: B+