Issue #10 (01-20-02)
by Gerry Wang

Access archives.

Something in the news has appalled me recently. Check it out:

"China has said its intelligence officers found more than 20 spying devices in a Boeing 767 meant to become President Jiang Zemin's official plane after it was delivered from the United States, the Financial Times said on Saturday.

Citing Chinese officials, the newspaper said it was unclear when the aircraft was fitted with the bugs, said to be tiny and operated by satellite."

Ordinarily, I couldn't give a fuck about those Commie sons of bitches. But the US is really fucking around w/ a loaded gun here. Basically, relations between us and China are very tenuous. Remember when we blew up their embassy in Yugoslavia? Remember when we accused Wen Ho Lee of spying? Remember when one of our spy planes collided w/ one of their planes? How about how we refuse to budge in our shielding of Taiwan?

We are blundering too much lately, and it pisses me off when our government tries to pretend they have no idea what's going on. Who is going to believe the spy plane wasn't doing reconnaissance? Who's going to believe the gov't didn't plant the bugs in the plane? It's bullshit. Most people don't trust the government and you see why. The errors it makes only perpetuates the conspiracy theories.

If you're gonna spy on China (and you damn well should), you gotta make sure you don't get caught. Fuck China.

Rants and Ravings




Top 10 List: My Personal Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

This year, I decided to make my New Year's Resolutions more plausible and attainable. So here's what I hope to accomplish in the calendar year of 2002. I resolve to:

10.) Go the whole year w/o a 2002 calendar. Every year I have a calendar w/ puppies on it, since I'm a dog lover, and I find that I really don't use it. My memory ain't nothing to be proud of, but I really don't think I'll ever need one again. I glanced at my 2001 calendar maybe 3 times the whole year, and that was mostly to look at the cute dogs on it.

9.) Moisturize my feet. I am a proponent of wearing sandals as much as possible. Through rain or snow, you'll never find me w/o sandals. However, the dry winter weather makes my feet harden and crack. Therefore, I resolve to moisturize my feet often. My sister let me try her Bath and Body Works exfoliating soap, and hot damn that felt mighty nice.

8.) Wear light blue. I don't wear bright colors. I tend to stick to earth tones and neutral colors. I do have a yellow and an orange T-shirt, but I never wear them out. But in 2002, I resolve to give light blue a try. Gotta live life a little.

7.) Drink before interviews and speeches. When I'm drunk, I am looser and more sociable. Alcohol might be the best answer to public speaking jitters. I'm not talking about raving inebriation, but just a slight buzz that removes my inhibitions.

6.) Start a band w/ Rice. Don't ask any questions, 'cause we don't know the answers yet.

5.) Stop quoting The Lord of the Rings. I have an annoying habit of calling things dear to me "preciousssss." I also randomly quote the movie when I'm doing normal everyday things, like if I go outside and I hear my dog trotting over, I whisper: "Something draws near. I can feel it." The worst is when I'm at the driving range w/ other people and we all stink up the joint. I can't help but say, while holding the 7-iron: "You cannot wield it. None of us can."

4.) Learn how to play gin. I made some bridge-playing buddies while I was in college, and while I suck at it, I think I can beat the average joe. But I don't know how to play gin. It looks like a lot of fun, and it has been on my to-do list forever.

3.) Lose 1 lb. If I lose a pound a year, by the time I'm 50, I should be a buff senior citizen.

2.) Start being stricter on tipping. I used to be a sucker when it came to tipping at a restaurant. I'd be very generous and tip the standard 10% for lunch, 15% for dinner, w/ extra for exceptional service. No more. I am tired of bad waiters. These days, they earn their tip. And I won't hesitate to not even tip at all if the waiter/waitress is fucking incompetent.

1.) Stop talking like a Valley Girl. This is my Achilles' Heel. I say "whatever" a lot. I also say "like," like, a lot. I did not join a sorority. I should not be talking like a ditz. It's not as apparent when I write or type, but when I talk I sound stupid. Must put an end to that.

NBA Beat

I love basketball. As I've said before, I want to be buried under a basketball court. I will write this into my will. Currently, I am first in all 3 of my fantasy leagues. Yes, I'm a geek, but man it sure does feel good. Here's a midseason report on the first half of the season:

 MVP of the Half Season - Michael Jordan, Washington Wizards. I had the Wizards pegged for the 8th spot in the Eastern Conference playoffs, but when the Wizards started out the season terribly, I was amongst the first doubters of MJ's ability to lead a pathetic team to greatness. Now, there's no doubt in my mind who's the most valuable player to his team. I love Kobe, but MJ's the MVP.

Defensive Player of the Half Season - Ben Wallace, Detroit Pistons. This dude is just a dog on the court. He's leading the league in blocks, and he also has the 2nd most steals of any big man in the league. He's a souped up Bo Outlaw.

Rookie of the Half - Pau Gasol, Memphis Grizzlies. I didn't have a clue who this lanky Euro-trash was. But I picked him up in one of my leagues and he's been tearing it up. He leads all rookies in scoring and rebounding, at around 17 and 9, respectively. He also averages 2 blocks a game. Once he bulks up and learns the NBA game more, he'll be awesome.

Comeback Player of the Half - Alonzo Mourning, Miami Heat. He is playing w/ a horrible kidney disease that will probably cause him to die early. But this dude is the ultimate warrior. He's battled back, fighting off fatigue, to become one of the premier centers in the league again.

6th Man of the Half - Quentin Richardson, Los Angeles Clippers. In my NBA Preview, I picked the wrong Clipper to win 6th Man of the Year. Instead of Darius Miles, I shoulda picked Q, who has burst on the scene as the best player specializing in coming off the bench I've ever seen. Whether it's by knocking down threes or dunking on taller gorillas, Q consistently provides the Clips w/ a winning spark plug.

Most Improved Player of the Half - Stromile Swift, Memphis Grizzlies. This dude left LSU way too early. Last year he had tremendous raw talent, but he didn't know how to use it. This year he's a dunking goon. Stro started the year slowly, but has come on strong, and is almost averaging a double-double.

Rising Star of the Half - Don't look now, but Eddie Griffin of the Houston Rockets is on the verge of becoming a top-10 fantasy asset. His play of late has been remarkable. He'll knock down a couple treys a game AND get you a couple blocks w/ decent rebounding numbers. Basically, he's about to be a black Dirk Nowitzki. This kid is young too. Same age as my sister. I'm getting old.........

Coach of the Half - Jim O'Brien, Boston Celtics. The Celtics are one the surprise teams in the East, but they did it w/o making any significant personnel changes. This is a testament to the excellent coaching job by O'Brien, who's turned Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce into the 2nd most fearsome duo in the NBA. #1 is Shaq & Kobe, btw.

Pictorial Tribute: Shannon Elizabeth

Need further proof that Rice World has been a platform where many young starlets have launched careers? Check out this Maybelline commercial starring Zhang Ziyi and Josie Maran, both of whom graced our Pictorial Tribute section before rocketing to stardom. =) You can find their photo spreads here and here, respectively.

Maybelline commericial (30 seconds of orgasmic pleasure)

Shannon Elizabeth might not be an unknown, but she still deserves a pictorial tribute despite the fact she's starred in god awful pieces of shit like TOMCATS and 13 GHOSTS. Her outfit to the 2001 MTV Movie Awards is all the qualification I need.