Issue #5 (10-01-01)
by Gerry Wang

The date looks like binary code doesn't it? Heh heh. I dunno what the fuck I'm talking about, really. Access archives by clicking here. 

What's the next big event we can all bet on? I got the perfect prize in mind.

Look for a ZOOLANDER review soon. I just need to clear up some things w/ Rice as to where future reviews should be placed. If you explored Rice World like a dutiful visitor should, you would have noticed that Rice extracted sections of my previous issues to serve as standalone articles.

Rants and Ravings

• Don't look now, but the Los Angeles Lakers are geared for another championship. They've quietly added new players that might just make them a better team than last year's. Let's see whom they've added:
  
  
  1.) Mitch Richmond, SG - His outside shooting is perfect against zone defenses. The only drawback is that he's a fucking gimp that's always injured. Sorta like me........ I'm a gimp too....... sniff......
  
  
  
  
  2.) Lindsey Hunter, SG - He should fill in nicely for Derek Fisher. 3-point specialist that's also known for his defense. He doesn't have the clutch ability of Fisher, but he's just as streaky.
  
  
  
  
  3.) Jelani McCoy, C - Shaq finally has a decent backup. Looks like Ja Rule, doesn't he? This UCLA alumni is a rebounding, shot-blocking oaf. He set the FG% record at UCLA; however he can only shoot from a foot away.
  
  
  
  
  4.) Samaki Walker, PF - My guess is he'll start over Robert Horry. Good inside scorer. Finally, the Lakers get a PF that isn't over the hill (i.e. AC Green, Horace Grant, Dennis Rodman, Greg Foster, and the list goes on...)
  
  
  I'll probably do a small NBA Preview, so I'll go into more depth later. But the Lakers are definitely my pick to go all the way. Three-peat baby! Only Sacramento will stand in their way, and possibly Dallas. There ain't nobody from the East worth respecting. Maybe Orlando. But we'll have to see what happens in training camp before we jump to conclusions.
  
  

• While we're on the subject of sports, the obvious precursor to the AFC Championship was played this past Sunday, between two undefeated teams. Yes, I am talking about the San Diego Chargers vs. Cincinnati Bengals. Heh heh. I was j/k about the AFC Championship part. The Bungals, who lost, will bungle their way to a sub .500 record. But the Chargers are looking pretty damn good. Why? Here's why:
  
  LaDainian Tomlinson (He scored 3 TDs today). Keep this name in mind, because he's the best Chargers RB since............ Natrone Means? This kid has given SD the running game they've sorely lacked for years, which in turn opens up the passing game led by Doug Frutie. But Buffalo regrets dropping Frutie now. I was impressed by how the Chargers improved themselves so dramatically through the draft and free agency. Drew Brees was a friggin Heisman candidate. And so was Tomlinson! How did they get both??
  
  Barring a horrendous collapse, the Chargers should take advantage of their 5th place schedule and finish the year above .500. Judging by how mediocre the AFC is, they might even be in line for a wild-card spot. Their run defense has always been good, and they've signed some people to give Rodney Harrison some help in the secondary. 
  
  To sum it up, Rice World officially jumps on the Chargers' bandwagon. =)

Fall TV Kicks Ass

    The fall TV season is in full swing, and already the networks are slinging feces at viewers. How could anyone watch "Love Cruise" or "Emeril"? I caught the new Star Trek series "Enterprise," and although it dragged at some points, it showed some potential. I also caught "Undeclared," a show about loser college freshmen, and it's definitely a series I'll try to watch on a regular basis. Here's how I'd plan my primetime TV watching schedule from 8-11PM, as a full-time student:

• I was able to catch the season premiere of "Law & Order." Boy do I hate the new assistant district attorney. Angie Harmon left and now it's some husky-voiced blonde chick that can't act. Goddamn the whole show grinds to a halt once she's in the frame. Sigh........ ruined an otherwise great episode.
  
  
• Think all new shows suck? That's not true. I watched "Alias" last Sunday, and fuck me, it has supplanted "The X-Files" as my viewing choice during 9 PM on Sundays. That's not an easy task. I've watched "The X-Files" since Season One. But ever since Doggett came on to replace Mulder, the show has gone down the tubes. It pains me to concede this. Sigh........ At least "Alias" is fucking kickass. It's about a female grad student/CIA operative. My kinda show.
  
  
• No, I did not forget about Buffy. I'm gonna take heat for this, but I don't get that show. I've tried to watch it, and there have been some nice moments, but I still can't get into that show. There's seems to be a huge following, but I honestly don't feel like I'm missing anything. Same w/ The Sopranos. I caught some of it. But I didn't get spasms of orgasmic pleasure. I think these shows are just too smart for me.
  
  
• As you can tell, I watch too much TV. I watch more now than I did in my undergraduate days. Amazing, huh? This situation was made much worse by Fox 11 showing "The Simpsons" at 11 PM and then following it w/ "Seinfeld." That gives me half an hour to get my work done before Conan O'Brien starts. There are evil forces at work here........... forces I cannot possibly begin to fathom.......

Top 10 List: Famous "Dicks"

    The past few Top 10 lists have been devoid of any deep thought. This is no longer true. =)

     All guys like to crack penis jokes. It's a fact of life. I'm not supposed to disclose this, but Rice runs a cuss-word filter every time I publish something. I have a 5 "fuck" quota. But I'm sure "dick" ain't in the filter! Muhahaha. You'll notice his edits when you see "fooker" or "fack."

    Honorable mentions go out to Dick Van Dyke and Tim Allen. Yep, the Tool Man's real last name is Dick. If he had the balls to use it, he woulda made the list. Go Andy Dick!

1.) Dick Cheney - He gets the top spot because he's our VP and he flipped the bird at heart disease.

2.) Andy Dick - This fooker is so goddamn flaming, but he's funny as hell.

3.) Dick Butkus - XFL debacle aside, this dude had an awesome career of bashing heads in.

4.) Moby Dick - Sperm whale. Heh hehhehehe.........

5.) Dick York/Dick Sargent - Was it a coincidence they got two different Dicks to play Darren?

6.) Dick Tracy - Now was his name Richard or does "dick" mean detective?

7.) Charles Dickens - It's about time we brought some class to Rice World. 

8.) Dick Grayson - Robin's  real name. And they say there's no homoerotic undertone.

9.) Dick Clark - I'm convinced he's a corpse that is digitally re-animated.

10.) Dick Trickle/Dick Pole - Dick Trickle is a NASCAR driver and Dick Pole was a pitcher for the Red Sox and Mariners. Honestly folks, you can't make this stuff up. Fact sure is stranger than fiction.

Pictorial Tribute: Angelina Jolie