Issue #6 (10-08-01)
by Gerry Wang

Please visit the archives if you've missed some past issues.

I write this issue in a somewhat subdued state. We are at war. So far we've only started missile attacks, but it's just a matter of time before ground troops are sent in to weed out those dirty Arabs. When we register an American casualty, the reality of this all will finally sink in. It doesn't end when Osama bin Laden is drawn and quartered. The US is embarking on a crusade to end all terrorism around the world. Very idealistic, but I get a sinking feeling that it won't ever happen. And you know what scares me the most? Experts have said that the probability of a terrorist retaliatory strike against us is 100%.

We live in a fucked up world. I wish the US would just stop tiptoeing around and bring down the hammer on those dirty Arabs. If you haven't heard, a man in Florida recently died from exposure to anthrax, and it has been determined that it was not contracted from natural means. Someone mailed him a package containing the anthrax spores, and the victim wasn't the only one affected. The mailroom guy is in the hospital right now. Scary shit.

What will happen when the terrorists release some anthrax into a heavily populated area? Can the US return the favor w/o all these pussy pacifists crying out against it? I swear, the fucking anti-war people are all a bunch of hypocrites. They'll oppose war until a loved one of theirs is killed. Then they'll reverse their position faster than I can finish typing this sentence. Fuck 'em. Fuck Palestine, and all dirty Arabs.

We're in for a loooong, drawn out war.

Rants and Ravings

• Oprah recently aired a special episode called "Islam 101" to educate people on the religion of Muslims. I thought that was a good idea, and decided that I'd incorporate it into Gerry's Weird Shit. What I seek to accomplish is to dispel some misconceptions of Arabs.
  
  Myth: Arabs all stink really bad. They believe the layer of stink wards off evil spirits.
  Fact: Arabs do stink, but so do Eastern Europeans, Eurasians, and French people. They stink because they don't bathe, that's all.
  
  Myth: Arabs are violent people who rape and pillage in the name of religion. They believe in jihad, or holy war, where they must use force to destroy infidels.
  Fact: The Koran does endorse violence. But Muslims just chuckle sheepishly and change the subject when someone brings it up, dismissing it as something you can't take too literally.
  
  Myth: If they could, Muslims would take over the whole world.
  Fact: Yes, they'd love nothing but to crush all Christians, but they'd never consider conquering Antarctica.
  
  I hope this has opened your eyes. I have to admit, all Muslims aren't  bad. I actually look up to some of them, like Shareef Abdur-Rahim. But why hasn't the Islamic world made a huge outcry against Bin Laden? Why haven't they denounced him? Palestine even spoke out against the US using military force in Afghanistan. Fuck em.
  
  (NOTE: This is meant to be read as sarcasm, and critical of the way we hide behind political correctness.)
  
  

• Onto happier things. Last Sunday's "Alias" was excellent. This show has huge potential, but I wish it was more hardcore. Sydney does a lot of infiltration missions, but she takes 30-40 seconds dismantling an enemy using kung fu, headbutts, knees in the crotch, etc. Why doesn't she just knife the sonofabitch? In the last episode, she disables a guy holding an automatic weapon, then picks up the gun and chucks it away. If you think about it, all she needs is a silencer and several clips, and her mission would be a breeze. But I suppose that wouldn't be wholesome family entertainment.
  
  
  
  

• The Godfather DVD Collection is coming out on Oct. 9. I pre-ordered it in June, and I'm breathlessly awaiting its arrival. Just one week later, The Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace DVD comes out. I think this is what we DVD-philes call "nirvana."
  
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• Speaking of DVDs, I've recently started binging on Asian digital versatile discs. The video transfer could be better, but the sound is always Dolby Digital or DTS, and hey, we can't get em here in the States! I got Shaolin Soccer, China Strike Force, The Storm Riders, and Zu: Warriors From The Magic Mountain. I'm also looking to add God of Gamblers. But my Holy Grail is the Iron Monkey DVD. Shit, I saw it go for $70 on Ebay. I might as well just catch it in theaters starting October 12. If anyone knows some good Asian movies, don't hesitate to post em up on the message board or down in the talkback. I will be eternally grateful for your recommendations.
  
  
  
  
  If you're interested in purchasing Asian movies, here are a couple good sites you can use. Ebay is also very useful. Don't forget, make sure your DVD player can watch these discs. Most of the time Asian DVDs are Region Free, so you don't have to worry. But be careful. Here's some good vendors:
  
  www.homay.com - Use Coupon Code 7878 and get $5 off.
  
  www.asiandiscs.com - Buy 4 items, and get one item off a list for free. Their shipping is static, so it's ideal for bulk.
  
  

• I've scrapped my ZOOLANDER review, but the movie doesn't really require a full review. I'd give it a B- for moments of sheer laughter and absurdity. I'm an ugly dude, and this movie is dedicated to all those people like me who've felt inadequate when compared to say, Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. I'd give ZOOLANDER a solid B+ for the Chick-o-meter. Christine Taylor looks pretty good, and there were cameos by Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder. I'm sure there were more chicks, but I can't remember anymore. I'd recommend you catch ZOOLANDER if you're in need of some good ol' escapist entertainment. If you don't laugh when you first hear the name of Owen Wilson's himbo character, then you won't laugh at anything.

Top 10 List: Tom Hanks Movies (according to Gerry)     

    Tom Hanks is one of the most widely venerated actors in the world. He's looked upon as an Everyman, a throwback to the good ol' days of Americana and Hollywood. If he were to run for President, I'm sure he'd do better than Pat Buchanan. I have this theory that Tom Brokaw would actually win the office....... but that's for another rant at another time. Here's my Top 10 Favorite Tom Hanks Movies.

1.) Saving Private Ryan - Even though I am generally desensitized to violence, SPR still haunted me. The first 20 minutes are like a celluloid version of the Bayeux Tapestry.

2.) Apollo 13 - Somehow Ron Howard made me sit at the edge of my seat in suspense, even though we already knew how it'd turn out. Great movie that unfortunately had to go up against Braveheart at the Oscars.

3.) Forrest Gump - When I first watched it in 1993, I didn't get it. I thought it was just about a moron who serendipitously meanders through US history. But as I watched it again on DVD, I realized it's about death. 

4.) Cast Away - Tom Hanks was robbed by Russell Crowe for Best Actor. If Robert Zemeckis just gave everyone the ending they wanted, then Cast Away would've been #2. Great movie, but comes up short.

5.) The Green Mile - This movie definitely isn't short by any means. It dragged at the end, and for no good reason but to remind us that this was a Stephen King novel and that everything isn't always happily ever after.

6.) Big - I never thought of Tom Hanks as an adult playing a child trapped in an adult's body. I completely believed a boy was really trapped in a man's body.

7.) Splash - I'm a fan of Tom Hanks' earlier work. Lots of feel-good 80's fairy tales. I remember watching this as a kid and thinking, Goddamn someone move Daryl Hannah's hair out of her boobs' way!

8.) Turner & Hooch - I'm a dog lover so liking this movie came naturally. Heh heh. The dog drank beer. Heh heh heh.

9.) Sleepless In Seattle - If you've been a regular reader of mine, you know I detest romantic comedies. I find them all trite and predictable. Except once in a while, one comes along that I begrudgingly enjoy.

10.) Bachelor Party - If I told you there were a ton of tits and penis jokes in a Tom Hanks movie, you'd laugh, right? Well, go rent Bachelor Party. Yeeeehaw!

Pictorial Tribute: Jolene Blalock

In honor of "Enterprise," a promising new show that's going to start kicking ass sooner or later, here's a pictorial of Jolene Blalock, who plays the Vulcan T'Pol. She actually does a good job. I was expecting her to suck. Here are her pictures from the most recent Maxim magazine.