Issue #9 (11-19-01)
by Gerry Wang

Access archives.

It's been a while, hasn't it? After the overwhelming feedback I received for the last issue, I figured I'd retire at the top of my game. <heavy sarcasm here>

So I officially announce that after Issue #10, I'm going to call it quits. I'll leave the door open for a comeback, ala Jordan, but in the meantime I will stick to putting out reviews/articles, as well as contributing raunchy and snide commentary in the feedback areas.

No Top 10 list or Pictorial Tribute in this issue. I've simply lost the will and creativity to do them.

Rants and Ravings

• From the looks of its recent "Forbidden Love" trailer, STAR WARS: EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES seems like it will be a sweeping romance along the lines of "Tristan & Iseult", the tale of ill-fated lovers of Arthurian legend. It does seem like Lucas is aiming at a Celtic theme, judging by the designs of the wardrobe and the castle/meadow locales he uses to conjure an impression of a medieval troubadour epic.
  
  
  
  

• Did you know that in Baldwin Park, the law prohibits you from riding a bicycle inside a swimming pool? Or that in Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine? How about this one: Did you know that in Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room w/ her boss? Find these stupid laws and a ton of others at www.dumblaws.com.
  
  
  
  

• Now that UCLA Football's gone down the tubes, culminated w/ a loss to a shitty USC team, I can turn my full attention to the basketball program. We've added another good recruiting class, spearheaded by Cedric Bozeman, a 6'6" point guard. I have no idea how he plays, but any point guard that big has got to have Penny Hardaway skills. There's some senior leadership on the team this year, w/ 4 returning starters. The bench has also been beefed up w/ freshmen recruits and the development of T.J. Cummings. Anything less than a Final Four berth, and I'm writing off Steve Lavin as a viable Bruins coach.
  
  

• Boy am I itching to get an X-Box. The titles look pretty cool. "Halo", an FPS, has been getting rave reviews, as has "NFL Fever 2002", which looks easier to play than the Madden series. "Dead or Alive 3" looks like an awesome fighter game. Some real nice backgrounds there. But the thing is, I've never really caught on to the recent generation of 3-D games. Adding one more vector to my traditional 2D games makes me confused. Games like "Shrek" and "Munch's Odyssey" have jaw-dropping graphics, but the gameplay is way over my head. Man I feel old.... the last console I was any good at was the 8-bit NES. Must resist the seducing call of the X-Box
  
  

• Now for the final Gerry's Weird Shit Brain Teaser. Of course, this was just the 2nd one. Heh heh. The answer will be on Issue #10. Ok, geniuses, this one ain't too hard:
  
  A man is looking at a photograph of someone. His friend asks who it is. The man replies, 'Brothers and sisters, I have none. But that man's father is my father's son'. Who is in the photograph?
  
  How many black circles can you see? Concentrate on the black circles inside the white ones, and count em.
  
  

Childhood

Ah, the sweet nostalgia of childhood....... as told through ATA-Boy's magnets.

Best New Shows

   I've been watching a ton of TV lately. Remember that TV-watching schedule I rammed down your throat back in Issue #5? Well, I've been following it very devoutly, and must say, this season's crop of new shows has been the best in recent memory. Now I wish I had a TiVo, since my VCR is working overtime, recording all the damn shows that I can't watch due to scheduling conflicts. Damn the networks.

   Here are the Top 5 New Shows You Should Be Flagellating Yourself In Worship Over. Entertainment Weekly ran a similar article, and their picks are the same as mine, w/ the exception of "Scrubs" being in place of "The Bernie Mac Show," which has been largely overlooked.

1.) Alias - Simply the best damn new show out there right now. It hits all the buttons. It fires on all cylinders. I'm running out of cliches. Never count your chickens before they hatch.... uh...... Anyway, "Alias" boasts the best story arcs I've seen since the prime of "The X-Files." But it never gets too haughty like "The X-Files," which eventually became too convoluted to follow. "Alias" remains grounded and real, thanks to the vulnerability of Jennifer Garner's character Sydney Bristow. You can really sympathize for her. Best heroine on TV right now. Sorry Buffy fans. Sundays, 9:00 PM on ABC.

2.) 24 - Ouch, the ratings for "24" aren't so hot. My guess is that it's been overhyped and delayed far too long. Too bad, cause this show is packed w/ twists and turns, double and triple crosses, and a steamy undercurrent of sex. Somehow, despite using real time, they've managed to pack a lot of suspense into one hour. I never fail to slam the carpet in frustration at the conclusion of each episode, dying to find out what happens next but being forced wait an entire motherfucking week to find out. Tuesdays, 9:00 PM on Fox.

3.) The Bernie Mac Show - I've never been a fan of black shows. They've always been too "black," meaning isolated and exclusive. All those black shows on UPN and WB are mere clones of each other. But every once in a while, one slips through the cracks that I enjoy the hell out of. I guess you can say the last black show I watched regularly was "Martin," starring Martin Lawrence. But this season, I've been hooked on "The Bernie Mac Show," starring one of the Kings of Comedy Bernie Mac as a comedian who takes in 3 kids from his drug-abusing sister. Sounds like a hackneyed premise, but Bernie Mac is fucking hilarious, the kids are adorable, and this show is so full of heart and fuzziness that it rises above the "black comedy" genre. Wednesdays, 9:00 PM on Fox.

4.) Smallville - Gotta admit, the first few shows failed to grab me. But for some reason, I kept coming back. I guess I just love the story of Superman. After choking down the fact he's a teenage w/ angst rather than a eye-laser shooting badass, I've come to accept the show for what it is: a ripping good additional to Superman lore. I wish its plots weren't so "freak of the week" oriented, but I guess nothing really interesting happens in a town like Smallville. You know what I heard? A teenage Batman is going to visit. I kid you not. Fuck yeah! Tuesdays, 9:00 PM on WB.

5.) Undeclared - This show is just plain goofy. All the characters have such distinctive personalities, and their hijinks and shenanigans remind us of just how awkward the college experience was. These kids all seem real and authentic, and I'm sure we all know someone who fits one of their profiles to a tee. I'm still waiting for this show to take off, because college life is rife w/ plenty of comedic content. I get the feeling we've only seen the tip of the iceberg w/ "Undeclared," given you all the more reason to tune in. Tuesdays, 8:30 PM on Fox.