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Rice's Crash Ticker
(Since 2-7-01):

13
Last Recorded Crash:
3-20-03



Brought to you by:
The Duchess of Rice
Rice and I are proud to introduce our newest serial article, RiceMates of the Month. Given the initial popularity of our Beeotch Contest and the Rice World's 50 Most Beautiful People articles from the past, we feel that by incorporating the monthly centerfold system, our audience can enjoy chicks on a more frequent basis rather than wait for the annual articles and polls.

Each month, Rice and I will select two ladies from relative obscurity, and use the considerable might of Rice World to catapult them to stardom, ala American Idol. These are chicks who are on the verge of stardom, and are either starting to collect heavy buzz, or deserve to. At the end of the year, the RiceMate of the Year will have an automatic berth in the annual Beeotch Contest.


February/March 2003

Trista Rehn

Rice: Although I never regularly followed either Bachelor shows, I ended up watching most of the Bachelorette because of two words: Trista Rehn. When I first saw an ABC commercial plugging the show, I thought, man, she is hot. And when I caught the premiere episode, I thought, man, she is cute. And when I saw how she handled herself after many more episodes, I thought, man, she is smooth. And when I saw her pick Ryan over Charlie in the end, I thought, man, she is smart. I also had a brief homicidal urge against Ryan, but because Trista chose him, I surpressed it ruthlessly. I will be surprised if they don't end up married and happily ever after.

Gerry: I didn't watch a single second of any of the "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" shows, but I definitely knew who Trista was. The first Bachelor didn't pick her, and after seeing how she looked, I was aghast at that idiot's stupidity. She looks like a poor man's Jenny McCarthy! Whatta friggin dope. Here's hoping she has a long, happy marriage to that pansy poetry-writer from "The Bacherlorette."


Brooke Burns

Rice: Dog Eat Dog is an inherantly retarded game show. Only one entity has kept it afloat, and it is Brooke Burns. Now, she may be very witty and intelligent off camera, but on it, Brooke is your typical wooden blonde bombshell, i.e. she is freaking hot. Thanks to a tight, revealing, and lacy wardrobe, her fine figure is augmented only that much to the nth degree. Oooh... and the Maxim pics... drool...

Gerry: Last summer, I didn't miss a single episode of "Dog Eat Dog." Not because I enjoy seeing people embarrass themselves for free (ok, I do) but because Brooke Burns kept me firmly planted to the couch. It's hard to believe that body has given birth before. Wow. She's got a great figure, and that long flowing curly hair she had during the summer was sexxxy.


Monica Bellucci

Rice: Because we missed a month, and because we're bowing out in a few weeks, Gerry and I have decided to co-pick Monica Bellucci as an RMOM. I haven't seen Tears of the Sun, nor the highly controversial Irreversible, so the only judgement I can make is that she looks a lot like Rachel Weisz. And she has a fine rack. That is all.

Gerry: Monica Bellucci was originally my pick. Then I watched the rape scene of IRREVERSIBLE, and all of a sudden I couldn't look at her in the same way ever again. I don't dare objectify Ms. Bellucci. Here, we are honoring her soon-to-be-U.S.-stardom, in light of TEARS FROM THE SUN's modest success, and the impending controversy of IRREVERSIBLE's domestic release. When the MATRIX sequels come out, everyone will know her. And be damn afraid to make chauvinistic comments in front of her.


Keira Knightley

Gerry: Occasionally, we here at Rice World send Miss Rice World on diplomatic missions in hostile territories to represent our sovereign website. As a safety precaution, we have a body double that can act as a decoy and allow the real Miss Rice World to escape under the guise of a handmaiden. Well, now that Rice World's days are waning, it's time to reveal the identity of Miss Rice World's decoy, Keira Knightley. 

Okay okay, tongue has been removed from cheek. Aside from STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE, soon you can see Keira in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, a women's soccer movie. As far as I can tell,  the title does not refer to a phallus. She'll also been in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN w/ Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, and Orlando Bloom. Keira as a pirate wench? I'm there.

Rice: Another unknown to me. From the pics, she reminds me of Winona Ryder. Probably because of her smile and heavily mascara'd eyes. Who was she in The Phantom Menace?? Oh wait... body double... I get it.


Hilary Duff

Gerry: I have no idea how old Hilary Duff is, nor do I want to know. What I don't know can't be illegal right? =) I'll refrain from making any lewd comments about her. All I know is Frankie Muniz (CODY BANKS) is one lucky teenager. Hilary kind of reminds me of a young Jenna Jameson, and there's just something about girls w/ bangs that turns me on. Oh wait, I've just made some lewd comments. Aw, fuck it. I think within a year, as she loses her baby fat, Hilary Duff will be the next big thing. She's already a successful recording artist, has one the top-rated TV shows on cable, and has signed a multi-million dollar contract to star in a movie. All this and she looks like a porn star. Hoo ah.

Rice: Although I've seen promos of Lizzie McGuire on the Disney channel, I never knew she was Hilary Duff. If she has a Disney show, she must be too young. Gerry is getting me back for not letting him pick Emma Watson last time. Anyway, she reminds me a bit of that woman who plays Kevin James' wife in the CBS sitcom King of Queens. And from Gerry's comments, I figure Jenna Jameson must be some porn star. I'd go look it up proper, but my roommates are around right now, and I don't want them to think I surf for that kind of smut.


Readers' Comments:

Hilary Duff is like... 16, I hear. Don't worry, many people are waiting for her to turn 18.

Good call on Brooke Burns; her Maxim spread was... very, very nice. Talking of Brookes, may I suggest Brooke Burke for a future edition?

PS: Don't watch Tears of the Sun. It's very cliched. But Monica B. IS hot... but I don't know if the movie's worth that.

-- Sumir
(Wed Mar 19 3:11:55 EST 2003)


Think again Sumir she turned 18 a couple ov months ago and she is now single and i hear shes afta a guy wit a heart not just a guy who wants her 4 her body...ttyl and Hil call me l8r about the america thing im still up 4 it if u r...k ttyl bye bye

-- Courtney
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(Fri Dec 30 8:58:46 EST 2005)


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-- Me
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knightly is more talented and pretty than hilary duff. She isnt as sexy as other girls but she is special.

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