EVOLUTION
Starring: David Duchovny, Orlando Jones, Julianne Moore
Directed by: Ivan Reitman
Distributed by: Dreamworks SKG

Date: 6/10/01
By: Gerry

    Hello everyone. It seems that I've been coaxed out of retirement by Rice. You see, after Rice World 5.0 came out, I decided to strike out on my own. I wanted to create my own website that would serve as a complement to Rice World-- but I failed miserably. As I told Rice, being unable to bring my vision to fruition absolutely killed my spirit. I simply didn't know enough about the construction of websites, and it frustrated me to no end. So I retired and retreated into my humble cave, passing each day by wallowing in my own filth.

    But like Michael Jordan, the call of the game lured me back out. Like Mike, I decided to make a comeback. Keep in mind, I am not comparing my reviewing ability to Jordan's basketball mastery. I suck at this stuff, but I enjoy it. My semi-retirement was a welcome break; it was fun to be able to watch a movie w/o my magical Critical Eye Goggles. Like the One Ring, the Critical Eye Goggles gives its wearer great power, but at a great cost. Watching a movie became like a job. I would watch it simply to review it, and that's not what movies are for. Movies are for the viewer to escape for 2 hours and have FUN. And fun I had.

    However, things started to change. It dawned on me that I had yet to harness the power of the Critical Eye Goggles. After watching horrible pieces of celluloid excrement like FREDDY GOT FINGERED, my destiny was revealed to me. I realized, Fuck, I have to warn people not to waste their money on crap like this! And that, my friends, is the true Purpose of the Critical Eye Goggles. To don them and not be consumed by its evil, one must balance the Criticism and the Fun. For in the end, you will be doing good charity for others by reviewing the movie.

    By the way, I realize Michael Jordan hasn't formally announced he is coming back, but c'mon, who's he kidding? He will be back, and he'll bring Charles Barkley w/ him. Even at 38, Jordan probably will still have a formidable presence. Much like the physical manifestation of a deity. Will he succeed and win a championship? Not if he comes back w/ the Wizards. Will his fade-away still be a thing of beauty? You bet. Will I ever, ever get to the review of EVOLUTION? Yes, I certainly will.

Don't ever look directly at the sun, lest your mouth gapes.

    EVOLUTION was a movie w/ great promise that simply needed a polish to become a sci-fi GHOSTBUSTERS-like franchise. All the elements are there: we've got a solid lead character in David Duchovny's Ira Kane, a hilarious sidekick in Orlando Jones' Harry Block, the obligatory babe in Julianne Moore, and a lovable doofus in Stiffler. We've also got a hilarious premise, one that is ripe for plenty of comedy. Ira and Harry are professors at Glen Canyon Community College, and the Animal House-like atmosphere is a welcome change from the stuffiness of all those movies set in Unidentified Ivy League school.

    So you'd have a franchise starring David Duchovny and Orlando Jones--who have a terrific chemistry--where 2 lowly community college professors would fight extra-terrestrials in their spare time, all the while trading witty and amusing banter. The sci-fi GHOSTBUSTERS right? If only that were true. This movie failed to deliver on its promising set-up. For this, I blame the writing.

For mean scary creature, this alien was remarkably tame.

    First off, Julianne Moore, an actress of considerable talent, is pure window-dressing. Here, she's the anti-Clarice who exists just to trip over her own feet, drop lots of papers on the floor, get her jacket stuck in doors, and smooch the main character. What they should've done was make her the Tommy Lee Jones' type of deadpan federal agent who doesn't take shit from these bumbling community college jokers, but nonetheless makes you laugh.

    Secondly, the resolution was just god-awful. Something about following a pattern on the period table of elements. I'm not sure, because they sort of rushed over that whole panacea revelation bit really fast, as if they knew it was garbage. In fact, I went home and looked at my own period table, and the pattern didn't make any fucking sense! It made the movie reek of product placement (you'll see what I mean, it's very blatant). It was a horrible, horrible way to end an otherwise affable movie.

Don't fuck w/ the USGS, baby. That's United States Geological Survey.

    There are plenty of things to like about EVOLUTION, however. Orlando Jones alone is worth the price of a matinee admission. I love his 7-UP commercials. The man's got talent, and he gets to make a name for himself w/ this movie. He and David Duchovny's lovable losers are mirror images of Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd in GHOSTBUSTERS, but the script just didn't give them much to work w/. There were a lot of golden improv moments though. We get to see sides of Mulder we'd never imagine.

    The special effects were also top-notch. They looked kind of fake on TV, but on the big screen, they were entirely believable, especially the way the actors interacted w/ the CGI. What was animatronic and what was CG, I couldn't freakin tell. But in the end, good special effects alone don't beget a good movie. The plot and story must work. I hate to keep bringing up GHOSTBUSTERS, but you can consider that an ancestor to EVOLUTION. In GHOSTBUSTERS, the FX was hardly revolutionary, but the movie was great because the screenplay just worked so well. Plus Ivan Reitman also made that movie, and w/ EVOLUTION, he borrowed from himself.

"I've seen this movie before. The black dude dies first."

    In the end, I'd give EVOLUTION a marginal recommendation. Go see it for Orlando Jones and David Duchovny's chemistry, and also for some really neat animatronic/CG aliens. The premise of EVOLUTION is very compelling, and looking past the shoddy screenplay, we have a movie about the age-old question of, Are we alone in the universe? And also the question of how would we react to the discovery of extraterrestrial life?

   Gratuitous screenshots and lame captions:

Fantastic creature design by Phil Tippett.

"There's always time for lubricant!"

Grade: B-
-- Terrible resolution, but otherwise a fun movie w/ top notch special effects and comedic chops

Babe-o-meter: C+
-- Despite Julianne Moore's freckles, she somehow makes me think of dirty things.