PEARL HARBOR
Starring: Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Kate Beckinsale
Cameos by: Cuba Gooding Jr., Alec Balwin, Dan Akroyd
Directed by: Michael Bay
Distributed by: Touchstone Pictures

Date: 6/17/01
By: Gerry

    I would like to use this opportunity to issue an apology to Michael Bay. I first heard of this massive project called PEARL HARBOR a couple years ago. They were planning to make a war/romance movie using the invasion of Pearl Harbor as a backdrop. Randall Wallace, who penned BRAVEHEART, was writing the script. Disney was financing the picture. Fuck yeah! BUT, Michael Bay was scheduled to direct the movie. When I found out, my head sunk and I sighed, because I felt Michael Bay couldn't direct a serious movie if his life depended on it.

    The only movie by Michael Bay I enjoyed was THE ROCK. That was the first time I saw Bay's trademark quick cuts and rapid editing style. W/ THE ROCK, it worked, because it was pure hokey action, and since it was a race against time, the pacing suited the movie. Then ARMAGEDDON came out, and Bay turned the impending doomsday into hokey action, complete w/ an animal crackers love scene. He also turned the quick cuts on full power, and there was never a moment's peace. I distinctly remember getting nauseous during the movie. The only other movie to literally make me want to vomit was THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. After ARMAGEDDON, I wrote off Michael Bay as a viable director.

Is it protocol to have your hat lopsided?

    Cut to May 2001, and early reviews of PEARL HARBOR were coming in. Critics universally bashed the movie, calling it "Bore-a, Bore-a, Bore-a." Every review I read called the movie horribly inaccurate and jingoist, like it was a Riefenstahl-worthy piece of American propoganda. On top of that, I read the love triangle in the movie was so bad it was laughable, and basically the entire screenplay was ridiculous. Hell, Randall Wallace even made an effort to distance himself from the movie!

    Every time I read a bad review of PEARL HARBOR, I just smiled to myself, thinking I was right-- Michael Bay and his crony Jerry Bruckheimer had fucked up another epic movie. I was proud of myself when May 25th rolled around, and unlike the rest of America, I refused to dish out money to see it. Plus I was afraid that the blatant anti-Japanese rhetoric would cause me to get beat up at the theater. I'm Taiwanese, not Japanese, but Hispanic people can't tell the difference. The fact that PEARL HARBOR was 3 hours long gave me even more incentive not to watch it.

Jon Voight is FDR. Jon Voight rules.

    Well, I recently got the movie on AVI, and figured I'd watch it just to see what the commotion was about. I think it's safe to say, Sorry Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. PEARL HARBOR was not a bad movie at all. Sure, the screenplay was really cheesy, and a lot of the love triangle didn't work for me. But this movie got me the way TITANIC got me. I think PEARL HARBOR needs to be compared more w/ TITANIC than SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. Michael Bay isn't aiming to make the definitive movie about the attack on Pearl Harbor. If you want to see a historical movie about the invasion, go watch TORA, TORA, TORA.

    PEARL HARBOR is a movie I'd classify under historical fiction. This is a movie about heroes, love, and America's glorious heritage. It's a celebration of the Greatest Generation, and it succeeds in taking us to a time when America was innocently naive, full of optimism and romantic ideals. This was a time when evil was threatening the Earth in the form of fascism, and it was the United States' entry into WWII that proved that Good always triumphs over Evil. Otherwise, continental Europe's collapse seemed imminent, and after that, probably the rest of Asia.

Through the entire invasion, they kept wearing hula shirts.

    I didn't find PEARL HARBOR to be a piece of jingoist propoganda at all. The Japanese aren't portrayed as soulless beasts. They attacked Pearl Harbor because it was the best chance to seize the element of surprise and inflict a ton of damage on the United States' Pacific Fleet. Japan made the decision based on its national interest, and although it was a horribly stupid and tragic decision, you can't blame the Japanese pilots for simply carrying out orders. In the long run, the invasion spurred American involvement in the war, and we all know how that turned out.

    But can you say that right now, if the US was to go to war, that you'd enlist and fight? Would you leave your family and loved ones behind to fight for the cause of democracy and freedom, knowing that there was a chance you'd return in a casket? I don't think a lot of us would. I know I'd feel terribly conflicted. But the Greatest Generation unblinkingly volunteered to give their lives for their country, to protect something they felt was sacred and worthwhile. Not enough respect can ever be bestowed upon all those soldiers who stared death in the face in the name of freedom.

Ben and Kate make a good couple.

    Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, and Kate Beckinsale play members of this valiant generation, and it's their tragic love triangle that PEARL HARBOR revolves around. Rafe (Affleck) and Danny (Hartnett) are best buddies who've shared the dream of being pilots ever since they were little kids. Rafe, who is older, has always looked after Danny, and the movie opens w/ Rafe protecting his pal from his abusive father. Rafe grows up to be the cocky, charismatic maverick pilot, while Danny grows up to be the shy one, but nonetheless a deft flyboy. They both join the air force, and that's where Rafe meets Evelyn (Ah, Kate), a military nurse, and begins a tumultuous yet sweet romance and courtship. Ahhh, young love.......

    Rafe volunteers to fight in the Battle of Britain, while Evelyn and Danny are both sent to Pearl Harbor. <Cue ominous music> During the Battle of Britain, Rafe gets shot down, and we assume he is dead. Or is he? Would they really kill off Ben Affleck that fast? Nah, of course not. But Danny and Evelyn both presume Rafe dies, and are wrought w/ grief. However! Being this is a movie about young love, and a few months later, Evelyn rebounds w/ Danny as they get closer and closer, both sharing a common bond through Rafe's memory. Ah, Kate....... 

Hot chicks from the 40's.

    We all know what happens next. Rafe returns from the dead, only to see his world shattered. I won't spoil anymore of the triangle, but needless to say, Rafe is plenty pissed at both Danny and Evelyn. But spitefulness is put on hold, because the Japs are coming! The Japs are coming! What ensues is one of the most visually astonishing set pieces I've ever seen, as Pearl Harbor is laid to waste. I've got to hand it to Michael Bay. What other director would tackle a project of this scale? The invasion of Pearl Harbor is long and drawn out, almost as if it's real time. Japanese zeroes zip through the air, strafing people and bombing the batteships to kingdom come. It was a breathtaking, visceral experience for me, even on AVI. 

    There are also some spectacular TOP GUN-ish dog fight scenes. Hell, there's even a guy named Goose! Where's Iceman? To this day I'm still amazed at how they film fighter jets shooting each other down. They obviously have to use models, since blowing up an F-16 would be a huge waste of money. Yet the dog fights in TOP GUN were so freakin awesome, and likewise in PEARL HARBOR. It looked damn real, as each bullet that made contact w/ the plane was visible and so was its aftereffect, as planes spin out and start going down. But how they bloody hell did they manage that w/ WWII era fighters?? Was it CG?? It must've been, but it was damn flawless.

Gratuitous shots of Kate Beckinsale.

    But now, we approach the inevitable. It's now time to air out my gripes:

1.) The movie is 3 hours long. It didn't have to be this long. There's a lot of crap at the beginning of the movie, and the last act of the movie, Doolittle's raid on Tokyo, felt like pure vindictiveness; it was totally superfluous. This movie is called PEARL HARBOR for a reason. The entire Tokyo section should have been fodder for the DVD. Cuba Gooding's character, while very gallant, also was redundant. What point did his scenes have? All it did was tack on 10 minutes. And there was also a ton of ancillary characters that had so little development, we didn't give a shit about them at all.

2.) The love triangle sputtered and fell flat on its face. First of all, I hate love triangles, because it deals w/ such a traumatic emotional experience. I know I have this policy of "Bros before hoes," meaning that you never let a bitch come between your buddy. But this type of shit happens in real life, and it ruins multiple lives. Watching this type of shit makes me squirm, especially when you see the heroine rebound. It killed CAST AWAY for me, and here it damaged PEARL HARBOR for me. I also have a personal dislike of Josh Hartnett. His face looks like someone is constantly farting in front of it. I think he graduated from the school of Keanu.

Notice the way light hits her face. Like Rembrandt, eh?

    TITANIC had sort of the same flaws as PEARL HARBOR, but somehow you didn't mind them. I didn't notice the running time until the second time I watched it, and there were lines in the screenplay that sort of startled me out of the spell the movie put me under. But despite a horseshit screenplay, TITANIC moved me, and I think it's because the love story didn't get eclipsed by the historical events. I think if Randall Wallace had cut out the triangle aspect and retained Rafe and Danny as brothers (as it was originally), PEARL HARBOR would have been more palpable. 

    In PEARL HARBOR, the love story is shelved for almost half the movie, and the resolution of the triangle sort of disturbed me. It didn't feel resolved. Go watch CASABLANCA, and look at the way they handled the love triangle w/ Bogart. Now that one was more realistic. The fact that Evelyn immediately moved on to Danny sort of made me resent her. I much preferred her and Rafe's love affair. But that's young love, I guess. That's how I rationalized it. These guys are young, and they have their whole lives in front of them, so they had to move on. But damn, it sure felt bitter for Rafe.

Comparison of coolness:  F Yes! Mako is awesome vs. Goddamn someone shoot Josh

    In conclusion, I think the way to watch PEARL HARBOR and not be outraged is to lower your expectations for it. It succeeds as a popcorn movie. It's a summer blockbuster thrill ride, and it has plenty of moments where we are transported to a different era, one where valor shines through, romance blossoms sweetly, and America was innocent. I also don't recommend buying a large drink unless you have the cajones to take a piss in it after you've chugged it down.

    NOTE: I don't like Josh Hartnett. In all his movies, I've felt like he deserved to die a violent death. In THE FACULTY, he is an assface. In HALLOWEEN: H20, he is an assface. He's also the assface third wheel in another love triangle movie, HERE ON EARTH. His presence brought PEARL HARBOR down and made Ben Affleck look so much more worthy of Evelyn's affections. But no!!!! Josh Hartnett and his penis screws everything up. Josh Hartnett, sue me here-- m_doggy_wang@hotmail.com. But remember, I thought Leo was great in TITANIC. So I'm not just hatin'.

Dan Akroyd has a brilliant cameo.

Grade: B
-- Jaw-dropping action w/ some of the most seamless special effects I've seen
-- Overly long, and some of the romance seemed incongruous

Babe-o-meter: A-
-- Kate Beckinsale is a beauty, and someone should win an Oscar for her lipstick. James King (female) also didn't look too bad. There's something about that 40's garb and makes you think there's a sex kitten underneath all that prim and proper wardrobe.