SPIDER-MAN
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Willem Dafoe, Kirsten Dunst
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Distributed by: Columbia Tristar

Date: 05/04/02
By: Gerry Wang

    Man, I went through hell trying to watch SPIDER-MAN on its opening day. I got off work at 6:00 and went to the AMC Covina 30. Hmm, sold out until 10:30 PM. I thought oh well, must be all these fucking kids. So I go down to Poontang Hills........ hmmm, sold out until 12:15 AM, and even more fucking teenagers are present. It started to dawn on me that this movie was going to make HUGE bank on its first day. Finally, I go all the way back up to the Pacific Hastings, getting tickets for the 10:30 PM showing, and proceeded to wait in line for 2+ hours. 

    Was all this shit worth it? Hell, no. SPIDER-MAN, while not atrocious, lacked the magic you're supposed to feel when watching a comic book/super hero movie. It felt flat and quite dreary. I had problems with the plot and the casting, as well as the special effects. This time, the movie failed for me because it just didn't live up to its potential. I didn't hype myself up for SPIDER-MAN. I'm not a huge fan of the comics, so it wasn't that I felt it was unfaithful to the source material. I went in completely carte blanche.

    I'd rank SPIDER-MAN below UNBREAKABLE, X-MEN, and SUPERMAN, my three favorite comic book movies. It was better than BATMAN, SPAWN, THE PHANTOM, and even DARKMAN, also directed by Sam Raimi. But crucial things were missing:

It's a good thing Tobey Maguire got cut.  That'sone revealing outfit, and you don't  get latex muscles to bail you out.

    1.) Where's the joy? This movie was quite melancholic, and I suppose you can attribute this to the source material. Bad shit happens, and there's not a shred of a happy ending. Nothing is resolved, and there is no sense of triumph. In the end, we only see that being a human spider is a curse, a gift not worth having.

    2.) Where's the energy? The action scenes were lifeless to me. They were either too wide or too tight. When Spider-Man is soaring through the city, we just kind of yawn. We've already seen everything in the trailers, and damn the CGI was pretty fake. I know he's a spider, but some basic fundamentals of physics should still apply.

Green Goblin looks like an idiot.

    3.) Where's the happy score? Danny Elfman wrote music more suitable to the brooding atmosphere of Batman. That's fine, because Gotham is dark and gloomy. Here, we have a colorful and vibrant New York City. The lack of joy and energy aforementioned might just be directly attributed to the lack of good music. If they had a techno soundtrack like in the second trailer, that would've been awesome.

    4.) Kirsten Dunst? I'm sorry, but puberty has ravaged her once good looks. Mary Jane Watson is supposed to be a babe. We're supposed to see why Peter Parker has been in love w/ her since his childhood and have sympathy for her. But instead, you just keep thinking that he deserves better. She's a floozy that dates men for status. I hate materialistic chicks and I'll be damned if Spider-Man would want a piece of that. However, another actress just might have been able to pull it off. Probably not though. The character of Mary Jane sucked, and it's the writers' fault.

Peter Parker is a science whiz but never  does anything remotely scientific.

     5.) Why doesn't Peter Parker fear the changes in his body? One scene his new abilities gets him in hot water w/ a bully and causes Mary Jane to scowl at him. The next he's happily climbing walls and jumping building to building. This all looks super fake, btw. Not once did he have an iota of fear that he might be adversely affected by these changes. How was he supposed to know whether it was potentially fatal or not? This leads us to:

    6.) Choose a path and stick to it. Sam Raimi should've decided whether he wanted to make a straight-up cartoonish movie or one that is grounded in pseudo-realism. The path they chose was very wishy washy. Peter Parker enters a wrestling contest that is utterly ridiculous, but faithful to the comics. Yet they have him be full of very tragic hubris ala Hamlet in the subsequent scene. Damn it, don't jerk us around like that.

If I were Spider-Man, I'd be banging chicks every night.

    My fears over the Green Goblin proved true as well. The suit is ridiculous, and the character is way too over-the-top. They expect us to believe that the US Military is funding a project to have its soldiers dress up like a clown and surf on a glider? Gimme a break. Do you see what I mean about Raimi choosing the wrong path? This movie is full of very human tragedy, meant to provide a realism to the proceedings. But how can you take it seriously when there's a character as stupid as Green Goblin? This movie took itself way too seriously, and had schizophrenic moments when trying to retain the cartoonish elements from the comic book.

    I'm going to stop bashing SPIDER-MAN before you start thinking I loath it. Quite the opposite. I think it does a good job setting up the franchise, and I fully expect the sequels to be better. There will be less exposition, less moments that drag. And Mary Jane can't constantly be in danger. I swear, the damsel-in-distress schtick started to wear thin by the climax. 

Spider-Man never peeped anyone. Darn......

    This first installment is the origin story, and if the reason it didn't work for me is because it stuck to the comics, then I can't argue w/ it. Tobey Maguire does a great job as Spider-Man, and I hope he loosens up for the sequels. I want a charismatic Spider-Man, free from teenage angst. Peter Parker starts off as a teen in the comics and later goes to grad school or something, so he becomes a man. I want him to fully realize his destiny, and to start being a badass. I want my superheroes to be invincible.

    And please, give me a scary villain that is a genuine threat to humanity like Venom or Carnage. Spider-Man should be saving the world, and not some ugly girl over and over.

Grade: B
-- Underwhelming but satisfactory start to a promising franchise. Hopefully the sequels will be better.

Babe-o-meter: C-
-- Kirsten Dunst is unworthy of a love triangle.